Tuesday, August 18, 2014 -
Today I am numb. I am trying so hard to come to terms with this terrible loss we are facing. I have turned to blogging to try to find some relief and peace of mind. Anyone reading this blog will not know what I'm talking about if I keep going so let me give you some back story.
In April 2014, my husband, Isaac, and I decided we were ready for a second child. We had been graciously blessed with an amazing and healthy first daughter, Maci, so we wanted to try to give her a sibling. On April 24, 2014 I had my Mirena IUD removed. After a couple of months of my cycles regulating, I finally saw it. My amazing positive pregnancy test was taken on July 23, 2014. I couldn't have been happier. Isaac was a little worried about having two kids so close and I was so too but I knew God would not send us this precious baby without knowing we were ready.
On July 31, 2014 I went to my doctors office and had the pregnancy confirmed. Everything looked good. My doctor said she wanted to see me back in 3 weeks for my first ultrasound. I anxiously anticipated that glorious day. I could not wait to see the life that my husband and I had lovingly created. However, now that day will forever remind me of something heartbreaking.
On Saturday, August 16, 2014 I started bleeding. I thought it was okay because it was just brown and brown means okay bleeding during pregnancy. I was cramping so I thought that was odd but attributed it to growing uterus pains. On Sunday, August 17, 2014 the bleeding turned to bright red and the cramps got a little worse. I was sure that the end was inevitable but my husband thought I was experiencing a subchronic hemorrhage like I had with our daughter and I thought maybe my progesterone levels were very low like they were with our daughter. I planned on asking my doctor to check my progesterone levels the next day and to ask the ultrasound tech to check for bleeding behind the placenta just to rule out those causes or find that one was the cause.
Monday, August 18, 2014. This is the day I had so highly anticipated. This is the day we were to see our little bean growing so nicely, possibly moving around and to hear it's sweet and wonderful heartbeat. Unfortunately, that did not happen. When the ultrasound tech started the ultrasound she asked how far along I was. I told her 7 weeks. She said that I wasn't and that I was much earlier. However, I was 100% positive of my last period and when I ovulated so I knew I was right. Being an ultrasound tech, she is not allowed to inform me of any danger the baby is in so I feel she just said that so she wouldn't have to tell me what I already knew. The nurse came and took me to a private waiting area in the back of the office. I had never been there and I have been going to this office for over 2 years. My husband asked if this is place they take women when something is wrong. I'm not sure if that is the case and I don't think so but I am so glad that's where they took me because by this point I was already crying and I'd rather have not had to explain to a room full of people what was going on.
When the nurse finally called me into the exam room she asked me if I had been experiencing anything unusual so I told her about the bleeding and cramping. She said okay and asked me to sit down and wait for the doctor. Considering this was supposed to be my first full exam and they did not ask me to undress before seeing the doctor I knew what they were about to come in and say. When my doctor came in I was tearing up and she just said I'm sorry and handed me some tissues. Then she started talking about my dates and saying it could be earlier than I thought but I told her I knew exactly what my dates were and that I had started getting positive pregnancy test before my period was even due so I knew there was no way my dates were off by more than 1 day. There was no way possible they would be off by nearly 4 weeks. She told me she was sorry multiple times, although that didn't make me feel better, I tried to except her apologies as calmly as possible without just completely breaking down. So now I'm sitting here waiting for the blood test results and have to go back into that now gloomy office for more testing just to see how the pregnancy is digressing.
This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I still have faith that God will not put more on me than I can handle but I feel I'm close to cracking. I have decided that since we'll never know if it was a boy or a girl, he or she will be given the name August Rain because it is August and it was storming all weekend and all day on the day we found out our little precious baby had been called home before even getting a chance to really live in my womb. We love you August.
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
~author unknown
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