Isaac and I have decided that we're going to try again to have another baby. I stopped using birth control a few weeks ago. I'm currently 4 days past ovulation. I was reading an awesome list of things to do to make time pass during the tww (two week wait) and blogging was one of them. I already do this so I thought I would give a little sunshine to this otherwise dreary blog.
I have never been more nervous to try to conceive a baby. All I can think about is what could go wrong. Well that's not all I can think but it's close to the top of the list. Another thing weighing on my mind is, what if I get pregnant with twins again? Can I really raise twins and a toddler? Do I have the strength to keep up with a wonderfully energetic toddler and two newborns who will somehow both need my undivided attention? To say I'm freaking out over what could happen is an understatement. However, I know that I am a great mother and I know that I will somehow rise to the challenge if we are blessed to conceive twins again. Auggie and Pax will be my guides through this trying to conceive journey. I know they want nothing more than for me to be happy. I just can't help but feel like people will think I'm trying to replace my little angels if they knew we are trying again so we have made the decision not to tell anyone except my best friend Taylor and the secret internet groups I belong to.
On a brighter note, I'm already taking my prenatal vitamins and my doctor told me to take a baby aspirin everyday to hopefully help with blood flow and that could potentially help a new baby grow adequately. I will probably test in about 8-10 days or so unless my period returns before I get the chance. If anyone is reading this, be happy, you will be one of the first to know of my happy news whenever the time comes :)
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
When does it get easier??
Does it get easier to be around other pregnant people over time? My husband's cousin and I were due within a few days of each other. I unfortunately miscarried my twins. She just found out a few days ago that she is having a girl. My husband asked me if I'm upset that she's pregnant to which I replied, "No, I'm upset that I'm not.". I'm not unhappy for her. She too has experienced pregnancy loss and I am thrilled that her pregnancy is progressing beautifully and she is having a healthy baby girl. I'm not jealous, mad or whatever. I just want the same and being around her a lot just reminds me of where I should be in my own pregnancy and it feels like I open the wound every time she hits a big milestone. I feel like I'm being selfish for being this way even though I know I'm truly happy for her
I feel I must grow closer with God to get through this horrible time while I await for the miracle of life to re-enter my body. I could really use some prayers right now.
I feel I must grow closer with God to get through this horrible time while I await for the miracle of life to re-enter my body. I could really use some prayers right now.
Updating
I stopped blogging for awhile. After the horrible news that we were losing our little baby we received even more heartbreaking news. Our little August had a twin. Our second ultrasound showed that August had already been born but his/her twin was still in my uterus and gave us a small glimmer of hope.
Our hope was short lived. Our next ultrasound showed that August's twin, whom my husband named Paxton, had detached from my uterus and was sitting my cervix. He/she was leaving my body and it was so surreal to be able to see that Pax was making his/her way out of my body right there on the screen. In mid-September Paxton Beau left my body. It is a really awful feeling knowing that you can go from pregnant to empty inside within days.
I find some peace knowing that I have two more little angels watching over us. Praying that they are picking out the perfect child to send to us. We are hopeful that one day our prayers will be answered and we will have another child. I am on the path to considering adoption if my body is completely unable to have another child. We will see what the good Lord has is store for us.
Our hope was short lived. Our next ultrasound showed that August's twin, whom my husband named Paxton, had detached from my uterus and was sitting my cervix. He/she was leaving my body and it was so surreal to be able to see that Pax was making his/her way out of my body right there on the screen. In mid-September Paxton Beau left my body. It is a really awful feeling knowing that you can go from pregnant to empty inside within days.
I find some peace knowing that I have two more little angels watching over us. Praying that they are picking out the perfect child to send to us. We are hopeful that one day our prayers will be answered and we will have another child. I am on the path to considering adoption if my body is completely unable to have another child. We will see what the good Lord has is store for us.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
The Beginning and The End
Tuesday, August 18, 2014 -
Today I am numb. I am trying so hard to come to terms with this terrible loss we are facing. I have turned to blogging to try to find some relief and peace of mind. Anyone reading this blog will not know what I'm talking about if I keep going so let me give you some back story.
In April 2014, my husband, Isaac, and I decided we were ready for a second child. We had been graciously blessed with an amazing and healthy first daughter, Maci, so we wanted to try to give her a sibling. On April 24, 2014 I had my Mirena IUD removed. After a couple of months of my cycles regulating, I finally saw it. My amazing positive pregnancy test was taken on July 23, 2014. I couldn't have been happier. Isaac was a little worried about having two kids so close and I was so too but I knew God would not send us this precious baby without knowing we were ready.
On July 31, 2014 I went to my doctors office and had the pregnancy confirmed. Everything looked good. My doctor said she wanted to see me back in 3 weeks for my first ultrasound. I anxiously anticipated that glorious day. I could not wait to see the life that my husband and I had lovingly created. However, now that day will forever remind me of something heartbreaking.
On Saturday, August 16, 2014 I started bleeding. I thought it was okay because it was just brown and brown means okay bleeding during pregnancy. I was cramping so I thought that was odd but attributed it to growing uterus pains. On Sunday, August 17, 2014 the bleeding turned to bright red and the cramps got a little worse. I was sure that the end was inevitable but my husband thought I was experiencing a subchronic hemorrhage like I had with our daughter and I thought maybe my progesterone levels were very low like they were with our daughter. I planned on asking my doctor to check my progesterone levels the next day and to ask the ultrasound tech to check for bleeding behind the placenta just to rule out those causes or find that one was the cause.
Monday, August 18, 2014. This is the day I had so highly anticipated. This is the day we were to see our little bean growing so nicely, possibly moving around and to hear it's sweet and wonderful heartbeat. Unfortunately, that did not happen. When the ultrasound tech started the ultrasound she asked how far along I was. I told her 7 weeks. She said that I wasn't and that I was much earlier. However, I was 100% positive of my last period and when I ovulated so I knew I was right. Being an ultrasound tech, she is not allowed to inform me of any danger the baby is in so I feel she just said that so she wouldn't have to tell me what I already knew. The nurse came and took me to a private waiting area in the back of the office. I had never been there and I have been going to this office for over 2 years. My husband asked if this is place they take women when something is wrong. I'm not sure if that is the case and I don't think so but I am so glad that's where they took me because by this point I was already crying and I'd rather have not had to explain to a room full of people what was going on.
When the nurse finally called me into the exam room she asked me if I had been experiencing anything unusual so I told her about the bleeding and cramping. She said okay and asked me to sit down and wait for the doctor. Considering this was supposed to be my first full exam and they did not ask me to undress before seeing the doctor I knew what they were about to come in and say. When my doctor came in I was tearing up and she just said I'm sorry and handed me some tissues. Then she started talking about my dates and saying it could be earlier than I thought but I told her I knew exactly what my dates were and that I had started getting positive pregnancy test before my period was even due so I knew there was no way my dates were off by more than 1 day. There was no way possible they would be off by nearly 4 weeks. She told me she was sorry multiple times, although that didn't make me feel better, I tried to except her apologies as calmly as possible without just completely breaking down. So now I'm sitting here waiting for the blood test results and have to go back into that now gloomy office for more testing just to see how the pregnancy is digressing.
This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I still have faith that God will not put more on me than I can handle but I feel I'm close to cracking. I have decided that since we'll never know if it was a boy or a girl, he or she will be given the name August Rain because it is August and it was storming all weekend and all day on the day we found out our little precious baby had been called home before even getting a chance to really live in my womb. We love you August.
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
~author unknown
Today I am numb. I am trying so hard to come to terms with this terrible loss we are facing. I have turned to blogging to try to find some relief and peace of mind. Anyone reading this blog will not know what I'm talking about if I keep going so let me give you some back story.
In April 2014, my husband, Isaac, and I decided we were ready for a second child. We had been graciously blessed with an amazing and healthy first daughter, Maci, so we wanted to try to give her a sibling. On April 24, 2014 I had my Mirena IUD removed. After a couple of months of my cycles regulating, I finally saw it. My amazing positive pregnancy test was taken on July 23, 2014. I couldn't have been happier. Isaac was a little worried about having two kids so close and I was so too but I knew God would not send us this precious baby without knowing we were ready.
On July 31, 2014 I went to my doctors office and had the pregnancy confirmed. Everything looked good. My doctor said she wanted to see me back in 3 weeks for my first ultrasound. I anxiously anticipated that glorious day. I could not wait to see the life that my husband and I had lovingly created. However, now that day will forever remind me of something heartbreaking.
On Saturday, August 16, 2014 I started bleeding. I thought it was okay because it was just brown and brown means okay bleeding during pregnancy. I was cramping so I thought that was odd but attributed it to growing uterus pains. On Sunday, August 17, 2014 the bleeding turned to bright red and the cramps got a little worse. I was sure that the end was inevitable but my husband thought I was experiencing a subchronic hemorrhage like I had with our daughter and I thought maybe my progesterone levels were very low like they were with our daughter. I planned on asking my doctor to check my progesterone levels the next day and to ask the ultrasound tech to check for bleeding behind the placenta just to rule out those causes or find that one was the cause.
Monday, August 18, 2014. This is the day I had so highly anticipated. This is the day we were to see our little bean growing so nicely, possibly moving around and to hear it's sweet and wonderful heartbeat. Unfortunately, that did not happen. When the ultrasound tech started the ultrasound she asked how far along I was. I told her 7 weeks. She said that I wasn't and that I was much earlier. However, I was 100% positive of my last period and when I ovulated so I knew I was right. Being an ultrasound tech, she is not allowed to inform me of any danger the baby is in so I feel she just said that so she wouldn't have to tell me what I already knew. The nurse came and took me to a private waiting area in the back of the office. I had never been there and I have been going to this office for over 2 years. My husband asked if this is place they take women when something is wrong. I'm not sure if that is the case and I don't think so but I am so glad that's where they took me because by this point I was already crying and I'd rather have not had to explain to a room full of people what was going on.
When the nurse finally called me into the exam room she asked me if I had been experiencing anything unusual so I told her about the bleeding and cramping. She said okay and asked me to sit down and wait for the doctor. Considering this was supposed to be my first full exam and they did not ask me to undress before seeing the doctor I knew what they were about to come in and say. When my doctor came in I was tearing up and she just said I'm sorry and handed me some tissues. Then she started talking about my dates and saying it could be earlier than I thought but I told her I knew exactly what my dates were and that I had started getting positive pregnancy test before my period was even due so I knew there was no way my dates were off by more than 1 day. There was no way possible they would be off by nearly 4 weeks. She told me she was sorry multiple times, although that didn't make me feel better, I tried to except her apologies as calmly as possible without just completely breaking down. So now I'm sitting here waiting for the blood test results and have to go back into that now gloomy office for more testing just to see how the pregnancy is digressing.
This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I still have faith that God will not put more on me than I can handle but I feel I'm close to cracking. I have decided that since we'll never know if it was a boy or a girl, he or she will be given the name August Rain because it is August and it was storming all weekend and all day on the day we found out our little precious baby had been called home before even getting a chance to really live in my womb. We love you August.
"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
~author unknown
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